Fallen
by born-for-thisRIOT
Summary: Another one of my Paramore fics. It's a lot darker and more mature than my other stuff. Not really sure where it's headed but I'll try and update regularly.
1. Chapter 1

I forced down the hard white pills, cringing slightly as the bitterness slid unwilling down my throat. I picked up the menacing piece of steel that lay inconspicuously on the kitchen counter and limped out of the room. I hesitated as I pressed my boney hand against the bathroom door, my sallow paled skin contrasting with the firm oak. No, I couldn't undo do this; I was already in much too deep. I opened the door and headed to a corner, making sure to lock it before I began. I was suddenly aware of the weight of the blade in my hands. It glinted wickedly in the artificial light, reminding of what I planned to do. I sat down and peeled back the sleeves of my shirt, revealing the ghostly white skin underneath. I found room among the ugly scars that crisscrossed my arms and pressed the knife down. I barely flinched as I drew it across my arm, I was use to pain. The ruby red blood swelled out of the wounds and spilled onto the cold tiles.

Weak

Useless

Stupid

Ugly

Whore

Selfish

Ungrateful

Pointless

After a while I stood and reached for the taps to wash off the evidence of my twisted self torture. Or I would have had I not been hit by a sickening wave of nausea.

Too many pills.

Shit.

Then I dropped.

"Hayley? Hayley are you- HOLY SHIT!"

A voice tore through to my cloudy consciousness. No. No shouting. No Hayley. Hayley sleep now.

"Oh my God Hayley! Hayley can you hear me? Oh God… Zac!"

Pouring footsteps, someone running.

"What the hell?" Another voice. Shocked like the first.

"I came to get something from my bags and I found her like this…"

"Shit is she alive?"

"She's breathing but her heart is beating really really fast and I think she's split her head. Call an ambulance…GO!"

I squinted against the blinding white light and inhaled the distinct smell of disinfectant. Everything was bleak and white. A middle aged man stood near me, smiling as he noticed me stirring. I gasped as pain shot through my veins from the back of my head. I winced as I ran my hands through my hair, feeling dried blood fall out of it.

"Well hello Hayley, I'm Dr Mathews. You're at the Royal west hospital. How are you feeling? Do you know what happened?"

"Um… I fell and I… I don't know actually. It's all blurry."

"Mhmm. I don't like the look of those scars." He gestured to my mutilated arms, playing the card of fatherly/doctor concern. "How did they happen?"

"Uh.."

_Think fast Hayley and make it sound convincing._

"I think I cut myself when I fell. Yeah, that's it."

I could see he didn't believe me, not for one second. But he wasn't going to get anywhere and he knew it.

"Do my friends know I'm here?" I asked, trying to change the subject as discreetly as I could.

"Yes, would you like to see them?"

"Um yeah, if that's ok."

As if on cue, Jeremy, Taylor and Zac walked in, their hands full of presents. They gave me a massive group hug and I couldn't help but smile. I looked up as the last remaining member walked in. His eyes were read and glassy and he looked like he would punch anyone who gave him the wrong look. The others picked up on the suddenly somber mood and left quietly.

"Hayley.." he whispered.

"Hi Josh" I replied anxiously.

"Why?"

"It hurt Josh and the cutting and the drugs helped."

"What hurt?"

"Everything… It hurt so fucking much! And it still does."

I felt the familiar damp sting of tears forming behind my eyes.

"Why the hell didn't you say anything?" he asked.

"Because," I whispered my voice breaking as the tears finally fell. "You're the reason I started."

"You- Wait what? You started taking drugs and cutting yourself because of me?"

"Look, I'm sorry…"

""You're sorry?" he snarled, suddenly angry. "You've got to be fucking kidding me! I'm the one who should be sorry, I'm the one who let you join the band!"

He turned to leave and I felt my already beaten heart finally shatter.

"Josh" I sobbed. "Please, I said I was sorry!"

He turned to look at me, his eyes filled with rising anger.

"Fuck off."


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh hai guys! It seems my almost constant case of writers block just might be letting up. Thank fuck for that. Once again, thank you all for the reviews, faves, suggestions, read throughs, nicknames ect. **

Chapter 2

After a few weeks under observation, I was allowed to go but I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt over what had happened with Josh. In a way, he was right but I never could have told anyone. No one would have understood the pain and self disgust that I concealed beneath the surface for so many years. No, I could never have told anyone how I felt, no matter how much it killed me. To me, the reasons were clear. It all began when I first joined the Paramore. Things were pretty messed up from the get go. My parents had wanted me to be the star and didn't approve of me joining a rock group. My stupid manager who my parents had hired to 'elevate my status as an artist' wanted to sign me as a solo artist even though I clearly loved the band. They signed me behind the guys' backs despite my angry protests. No one listened to a word I said but then, who's going to listen to a teenage girl when there's money to be made. Instead, everyone blamed me whenever something went wrong. It was always 'my fault' in some way or another and after six years I honestly couldn't take anymore.

That was when I first tried drugs. To start with, I was cautious, my morals were screaming in protest, telling me that I was toying with something that could ruin my life or worse, end it but after a while I managed to silence my incredibly guilty conscience and I lapsed into addiction. The highs were awesome; they helped me to forget the pain of daily life and allowed me to feel free. Coming down on the other hand was terrible. The drugs would wear off to quickly and I would feel depressed and even suicidal for weeks on end. I pushed away the people who were willing to help and locked myself away in vain attempt to keep the misery at bay. I forgot my family and neglected my friends. I gave up on everything that had once meant the world to me. One of those things was Josh.

He'd loved me once, just once back when we where kids. He held me, kissed me, told me he loved me and the next he slipped away without another word. For a while, I tried to convince myself he still cared but I gave up eventually. It was like he had traded all the love and sensitivity in his soul for bitterness and antipathy. He'd forgotten me but I still had my pain. Now, whenever someone mentioned him, I resisted the urge to lock myself in my room and cry for hours. He'd ripped out my still beating heart and thrown it in the dirt and he didn't even notice. I could barely stand to see him for the misery and he was totally oblivious to me.

We'd drifted apart so much since then but in way, I was kind of used to it. It was clear what he thought of me and I wasn't going to push it any further. But on the flip side, I'd found Ryan. We'd met at a signing party for his brothers' band and had been dating for a few years. Ryan was so compassionate and loving. He was funny, honest, supportive and loyal. He never abused me or ignored me like Josh. Plus he played music in his spare time. And yes, as superficial as it is, he was hot. I would have turned to him but he was off on a tour of duty somewhere in North-West Pakistan so aside from a few letters and video calls home, contact wasn't all that frequent. Although I'd begged him not to, he'd signed up after his father had died. I didn't hear much but from the snatches of information I'd received, things were pretty dire and they needed as may men as possible. Things were going as ok as they could in a long distance, low contact relationship until One day I got a letter from the government to say that Ryan was MIA. Some type of bomb had been planted in his province and he'd been trying to rescue children from a nearby school when it detonated.

You see the crying women on TV all the time, the wives with a toddler clinging to their hip, the girlfriends with their arms crossed protectively over their swollen bellies and the mothers, standing silent with a photo of their lost baby. All ironically united in grief. I became one. The pain of the months alone almost drove me insane. Coming home to an empty house, rolling over in bed to find one side neat and un-slept in. Eventually I was told they'd found him. Or his body at least. I only heard half of what was said before it sunk in that he was never coming home and I finally broke down.

"Full military honors…"

"…..Tragic loss."

"Our condolences…"

I don't know how I coped. I think I went into some sort of depressed shock. As if that wasn't bad enough, Paramore seemed to have pretty much disbanded.

Everything I cherished was slowly dying or was gone.

**So what do you think? I thought it was a little clichéd what with Ryan dying and all but that's just me. I'll update ASAP.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Alright so this one gets pretty dark, I'm just warning you... Inspired by the new kids on my writing inspiration playlist: Flyleaf.**_

Chapter 3

I wandered into the kitchen and noticed the flashing red light on the answering machine. I hit play as I walked past, not really paying attention to the recorded voices as I raided the fridge.

"Message received at Monday 16th 4:30pm."

I froze as an all too familiar voice played over the speaker.

"Hayley, its Josh. I want to apologise for the way things went down at the hospital. I'm not going to make excuses for myself, I was a fucking dick to say the least and I'm sorry, I really truly am. It wasn't your fault I was so worked up and i shouldn't have lashed out like that. But you had us all scared Hayles, especially me. I kind of understand why you didn't tell anyone what was really going on... I wish I was there for you when you needed me... I wasn't. But all this has made me realise how much we've drifted apart, we used to be joined at the hip but then... Then life happened. I'm sorry for everything. I haven't heard from you in... God I don't know how long. I miss you, call me... Please."

"Screw that!" I muttered to myself as i munched on Thai leftovers. "I don't care about him..."

I felt my recently repaired heart ache in my chest.

"_Yes you do stupid" it whispered._

Traitor.

"_You do a lot more than just care about him" it continued. "You love him. You have since you were fifteen."_

Shut up.

"_Call him back."_

I said shut _up_!

"_Do it, sort all this shit out."_

FUCK OFF WOULD YOU?

My inner war was interrupted by a knock at the door. I dragged myself out into the hall to greet my unknown guest. I looked through the safety hole and breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

Jeremy.

I fixed a fake smile to my face and opened the door.

"Hey Jer, what's crackin'?"

"Not much" he replied. "How've you been? I haven't heard a thing from you."

"Neh, I'm getting through it... Come in."

"Sorry dude, can't. I'm off to see Mew with Tay and Zac. I just came by to tell you we're thinking of reforming Paramore and we want you to join. First rehearsal is on Saturday if you can come."

"Hmm I'll think about it" I mused, hoping I was a convincing liar.

"Awesome! Well I gotta go, cya."

"Bye Jer, have fun."

I hauled myself up to my room and sunk to the floor. It had been a few months since my secret had been discovered. Not much had changed, I was still depressed and things were still out of control. The doctors said I was supposed to attended some load of shit 'talk about your feelings' group therapy course but they could shove that right up their professional arses. It was a battle just to get out of bed knowing that I had to face everything, everyday, for the rest of my life and no group of random strangers was going to change that. I missed my family, my friends, the band, Ryan... Everyone. But I'd had plenty of chances to make things right with them and I hadn't. Now I had no one and I only had myself to blame.

I picked up an old photo album and that lay in a pile on my floor with my other nostalgic stuff and flicked through it absentmindedly as I thought about everything. I felt something fall out as I my fingers brushed lightly over the dog eared pages.

_Ok, I have no idea what this is... Or why it's in here..._

I unfolded the mysterious piece of paper and took in the familiar handwriting.

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong  
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long  
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours

This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is yours  
(My heart, it beats for you)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
(It beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours)  
My heart, my heart is yours  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)  
My heart, my heart is yours  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)  
My heart is yours  
My heart is yours  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)  
My heart is yours 

My heart is yours…

For my red haired saving grace, my heart is yours. Look after it.

Jf

The pain that exploded in me made my earlier emotions look like a paper cut. A bitter heartbroken sob tore from my lungs as the wall I had built up around the past came crashing down. I had tried to convince myself I was fine but I knew deep down that I wasn't. I couldn't do this, I couldn't pretend anymore. Something inside me crumpled as I was five years old and crying for my mother. I don't know how long I cried for but by the time I stopped it was dark outside. I limped downstairs to the bathroom and wrenched open the medicine cabinet.

_No pills... Fuck! I must have used them before I passed out a few months ago..._

I hadn't left the house to do anything in ages so an OD was out of the picture. I went back to the kitchen and searched for the sharpest knife I could find before I remembered the psychologist I had to endure for a few weeks after my incident had insisted that I was not left alone with sharp objects. Son of a bitch! It was then that I spied my escape. I snatched up the old extension cord and headed back to my room. I locked my door and stood up on my bed. I tied the cord to my ceiling fan and made a loop with the remaining length. I placed two neatly written notes on the desk beside me. One was addressed to my family and friends, the other to Josh. I placed the loop around my neck and climbed up to the highest point in my room. I breathed slowly, whispered my final words and braced myself.

There was a loud crack and someone screamed my name over and over.

I screamed wildly and fought like hell against the strong arms that suddenly held me in a wrought iron grip and ripped the noose from my neck.

"**GET OFF ME!" **I shrieked.** "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! LET ME GO YOU MOTHER FUCKING ARSEHOLE! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU, YOU CUNT! LET ME FUCKING DIE!"**

I kicked out and felt my captor double over in surprise. The grip loosened and I used the moment of weakness to attack. I scratched and bit and pulled their hair savagely. I balled my hands up into fists and swung out until I felt one of the punches connect. I kept fighting and yelling, pure rage pounding in my veins at a million miles an hour.

"Hayley! Hayley, it's me! Calm down! I don't want to hurt you! Stop fighting me! Ow! Don't bite me, I'm trying to help. Stop it, stop fighting! I don't want to hurt you but if you keep this up I might have to. I know you can hear me, just settle down. Just breathe. That's it, shhh it's ok, it's ok... I'm here, I'll stay with you."

I stopped struggling as the adrenaline and anger slowly began to fade. I suddenly realised how exhausted I felt, I just wanted to sleep.

"Hayley," the voice commanded. "Open your eyes."

I did as I was told and the world slowly came into focus. I looked up. And froze.

**So, how did I do? Do you guys like it? Was it too depressing?**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Woah it's been ages since I updated! Sorry about that.**_

"Hi there" he murmured.

"J-J-Josh!" I choked. "Oh my God… Oh my God! I'm so sorry!"

He winced slightly as I reached up to touch his face which was covered with scratches and newly formed bruises. "Oh shit, oh shit oh shit I'm so sorry! I was mad and I didn't realise who you were and…" I trailed off as I caught the look in his eyes. They were clouded with confusion and anger and held my nervous gaze in a vice-like grip.

"You tried to kill yourself" he whispered.

"I know that..."

"No Hayley, I don't think you really do. _You tried to take your own life_!"

"Why do you give a shit?" I demanded.

"You're my best friend Hayley, of course I God damn care!"

"You could have fooled me. We haven't spoken in almost three years apart from my..." I paused for a second, bitting my lip as I searched for the right word. "Incident..."

"I know" he sighed. "I'm sorry too. I actually came to apologise in person after you ignored my calls."

"After you specifically told me to _fuck off_?" I shot back, anger rising in my aching chest. "You made it pretty clear what you think of me! In fact, give me one good reason why I should talk to you now!"

"Because I saved your life" he replied, matching my tone.

"Saved my life? Josh I was going to hang myself! I obviously didn't want to be saved, and I still don't in case you're wondering. So if it wasn't for you trying to play the hero, I'd be at peace and you would never have to see me again. It's a win win situation.

"Stop talking like that!" he pleaded.

"No Josh, it's the truth and you know it."

"Hayley please..."

"Don't you 'Hayley please' me. We both know that you wouldn't have missed me."

"Don't you dare say that, don't even think that!"

"Whatever" I snapped. "How I feel is how I feel, that's it."

"You're lying."

"Am I?" I challenged.

"Yes."

"How would you know?"

"Because I read your note."

I opened my mouth and closed it again when nothing came. I hadn't expected him to read anything I'd written. After all, he seemed to hate me.

"I had no idea all that had happened" his voice a rough emotional whisper. "I had no idea I hurt you and broke your heart like that. I didn't know Ryan had died, I didn't know how lonely you were, how much pain you were feeling. I wasn't there for you when you needed me and when I had the chance to make it up to you; I pushed you even further away. I wasn't around to protect you... That's why I stopped you Hayley... I couldn't bear the thought of you being so desperate to die. I honestly couldn't imagine life without you. I know no matter how much I apologise, it won't change what I've done but please just know that I'm sorry. I understand if you hate me or never want to talk to me again but just know that I'm here if you need me."

"It hurt" I whimpered as my rage faded. "I was so alone and tired of pretending that I was fine and that nothing affected me. Cutting myself helped until it got me thrown in hospital. Then everyone found out and 'intervened'. My way of dealing with things was gone and I felt worse than before. I thought that maybe if... I killed myself, the pain might finally stop. I just want it to be over."

He pulled me close and rocked back and forth comforting as I broke down in his arms.

"Josh?" I sniffed, my tears subsiding.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry too, what with me going crazy like that..."

He laughed softly, the sound reverberating through his body.

"I pity the thief who goes after your wallet."

"Uh yeah..." I mumbled, grinning sheepishly. "Are you sure you'll be ok?"

"Aside from being kicked, punched, scratched, bitten, sworn at and having my hair pulled from my scalp, I think I'll be ok."

"I've missed you" I blurted out suddenly.

He smiled. "I've missed you too."

I spent the next few hours explaining everything to Josh. It felt good to finally open up to someone after suffering alone for so long. He might not have understood everything but he did his best, he listened while I ranted and held me when I cried. He filled me in on the life and friends I'd selfishly abandoned and for the first time in a long, long time, everything seemed to finally be returning to the way it was before. Then he let slip with something the instantly made me wish he hadn't found me in time to save me from myself.

He was considering getting married.

To someone else.

To say I felt sick was an understatement.

"Her name is Jenna" he gushed, looking both proud and embarrassed. "I used to go to school with her and I kinda had a crush on her then but I didn't really think anything would come of it. We kept running into each other later and she added me on Facebook and I got her number and it just sort of went from there... We've been dating for a few months now and I like her, I really do. You have to meet her Hayley, you'd love her."

My lower lip trembled as I pictured the horrible scene that, if Josh had his way, would unfold within a matter of months. I let my head fall against his chest so he wouldn't see the devastated look in my eyes as he continued to tell me about his soon to be fiancée. It was then that I noticed that I was once again crying. I frantically wiped away the tears, hoping he wouldn't notice.

"I think that-" Josh stopped suddenly as the dampness seeped through his shirt. "Hayley what's wrong?"

"N-nothing" I stuttered.

"Hayley I'm serious, what's up? Are you hurt?

"No... It's nothing..."

"Some honesty would be nice."

"Well there is something."

He looked at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"You're going to hate me for this... Josh I- I..." I couldn't form the words. The truth was too painful to face.

"What is it Spongebob?" he asked gently, using my old nickname from way back when we were kids.

"No, I can't say."

"It's only me; I'm not going to tell anyone who you have a major crush on" he teased.

"What would you say if I said it was you" I muttered.

"Yeah that's funny Sponge!" he gasped out in between a fit of boisterous laughter.

I looked at him and silently willed him to understand.

"Wait, you're serious?"

I nodded.

"Oh my God" he sighed.

"I knew I should have kept my mouth shut! You probably hate me now... Can't say I blame you though, I'm selfish and stupid."

"Hayley..." He started.

"And you don't care anymore so why I am even bothering..."

"Hayley..." He tried again.

"Go and be with Jenna, I deserve to be miserable"

"**HAYLEY WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND PLEASE**?"

I stopped ranting and looked up at him, surprised at the anger in his voice.

"I know."

"What?"

"You thought you were the only one? Stupid, stupid girl."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, completely bewildered.

"I thought you'd never admit it... I love you too Hayles, more than you'll ever know. In the end I let you go because I was too blind to see that I was fucking lucky to have you and I've been punching myself everyday since. We drifted apart and I didn't do anything about it because I saw how happy you were with Ryan. I'd give anything to be with you, I would but I can't. We can't work Hayley and we need to move on... Both of us. I'm sorry, I really am."

As much as it killed me, I knew he was right. He wasn't mine to take, not anymore. He lifted my chin so I was forced to look into his eyes.

"Please don't make this any harder."

I shook my head as I held his gaze.

"You said you'd never leave me, you did. Now you're going to do it all over again and this time there's no going back. Once you say yes to her, I'm gone but if you're happy with her, I'm not going to stand in your way. You deserve to be happy... Even if I'm not."

He sighed as he rested his forehead against mine, my pain reflected perfectly in his eyes and part of me wanted to crawl into his arms and stay there till I died but I knew I couldn't.

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

"So am I, but you're right."


	5. Chapter 5

_**This one is mature. You have been warned. And for the love of Paramore, don't bother reading it you're easily offended.**_

Something was breaking through the comfortable, dark numb of sleep. Knocking. Loud and insistent. I forced open my tear stained eyes and glanced at the faint glow of my bedside clock: 12:30am.

_Ugh… Who the fuck would be visiting now?_

The sound grew louder and I got up and stumbled downstairs. I narrowly avoided a collision with the stuff lying near the door and wrenched it open. He stood shakily, clutching the doorframe for support. His normally bright eyes were dilated and blurry; his body was bent and weak, like he had been weighed down by something massive. Everything about him seemed defeated and I couldn't help the rush of sympathy that I felt for the broken boy in front of me.

"Josh, what are you doing? It's midnight!"

He stared at me for a second then pulled me to his chest and kissed me. His mouth was hard and urgent against mine and it took everything in me not to respond. Instead of giving into my desire, I gripped his strong arms and pushed him away.

"Are you drunk?" I asked suspiciously.

"… No" he mumbled sketchily.

"Josh, you taste like alcohol."

"Ok so maybe I am… So what?"

"Why?"

"Beeecause I can" he slurred.

"Oh God no… Go home."

"H-Hayley please, just listen."

"No Josh, I don't want to hear it. Go crawl back to Jenna or something."

He sighed and shook his head. "No, no I can't."

"Sure you can" I replied, slowly losing my patience.

"Give me five minutes" he begged. "Please Hayles!"

"Fine" I snapped. "Start talking."

"I.. I broke it off."

"With Jenna? Why? What happened?"

"I don't know, it felt… Fake. And I missed you."

Jenna was gone, Josh wasn't tied to anyone. We could finally be… I snuffed out the wavering flame of hope that had flickered to life in my heart and reminded myself that what I wanted and what I could have were two different things.

"Hayley, I know how much I've hurt you but please, I'm begging you... Take me back."

I shook my head sadly and looked away, unable to face the hope in his eyes.

"No, we've had this discussion before and no matter how much we go over it, we both know the truth. We were a mistake and you know it."

He leaned forward and kissed me again. I didn't fight him. I wound my arms tight around his neck as he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around my small frame. The kiss was gentle at first, we we're both hesitant and uncertain but it didn't last. After all we'd both been waiting for four years. He ran his tongue along my lower lip and I opened my mouth to him eagerly. His mouth was warm and tasted of something sweet and faintly familiar. I tightened my grip and kissed him with more feeling than I ever thought possible, half of me wanting to identify the taste, the other just wanting him. He pulled away unexpectedly and I almost groaned at the loss of contact.

"A good mistake" he breathed in my ear. "We were a good mistake. 

I brought my lips to his and pulled him inside. He caught on quickly and picked me up and carried me to my room. He pushed me onto my bed and crawled on top of me as he pulled off his t-shirt and jeans, revealing the firm sculpted body underneath. Everything slowly faded into a blur of heated kisses and I could have made out with him all night but we both wanted to go further. I fumbled with my girly cotton pyjamas, trying to remove them as inconspicuously as I could underneath the weight of his body. Josh noticed my struggling and prised of my shirt in one fluid movement. He pulled my bottoms down slightly and slid his hand down over my hips as he slowly pushed the off and threw them aside. I pulled him closer and moved my hands over his back, searching for a grip in the warm, tanned skin that stretched over the tense sinews of his ripped body. My eyes slowly closed as he touched me in places I knew he shouldn't but I didn't stop him, instead I enjoyed the feeling of him and bathed in his adoration. I sucked in a breath as everything intensified once again. He was teasing me.

A strange warmth I'd never felt before began to build in my stomach and spread through me as I squirmed and giggled in his arms. I whispered words of encouragement in his ear and clawed at him.

That was all he needed.

He brought his body to mine in one painful movement and I sank my teeth into my lip to stifle a delighted cry that rose in my throat. He pulled me up and I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist as he nipped at my neck. I placed my hands against his chest and pushed myself away as I paused to trace the side of his face, smiling as it came away drenched with sweat. I pulled him back down and he crashed elegantly against me.

I slowly began to discover the rhythm of it all as my instincts took over and I let down my guard. Somewhere in the blur, Josh asked me something. I was too lost in him to really think so I mumbled a passable reply into his chest and thought nothing more of it until a small prick of pain shot through me. I didn't bother to stifle the delighted moan that tore from my lips as I gave myself up to him. The pain faded as fast as it had come and gave way to a wave of unrivalled emotion. I had never felt so close or so in love with someone in my entire life.

When it was over, we just lay there, contentedly tangled in each other.

"You do realise," I whispered, breaking the comfortable silence that had descended. "You're going to regret this when you're sober."

"I doubt it" he replied as he stroked my hair gently. "I really doubt it."


End file.
